The Secret of Being Content

A few weeks ago Estelle from estellelle wrote about something on her blog that I really enjoyed and appreciated. I knew as soon as I read it that I wanted to share it here.

I've had a few people in life who have looked at me, looked at my life and accused me of being "lucky". Some of them have come right out and said it and others have said it in a more round about way. There was a time when I thought (even though I was a Christian) that being content in life was completely beyond my control. I thought that I had no choice but to suffer through whatever life threw my way.

The truth is...most of us have reason to think like this, things we've been through that we could allow to dictate our joy.

I (have come to) believe that how we feel in life (whether or not we're content) is made up of two things: what happens to us as a result of the choices we ourselves have made as well as the way we respond to the things in life that are truly beyond our control.

So, if you need to make better choices from here on out than do it. If you continue to suffer from the consequences of choices you've already made and you can do something about it - then DO something about. If there are circumstances beyond your control trust them to God! He is good and He will either work them out or give you the strength, joy and peace you need to walk right through them.

Sound too simple?

I'm not saying this is always the easiest or the most natural way. I get that it can be hard - I really do! Check out what Paul said about being content in the book of Phillipians:

I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. Phillipians 4:12-13 

I love how the earlier verses are written in the Message Bible:

Celebrate God all day, every day. I mean, revel in him!

Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. (Phillipians 4:4,6-8) 

So, here's the link. I really hope you'll take the time to read it and be encouraged!
http://estellelle.blogspot.com/2010/12/good-days-and-bad-days.html

Santa Claus and Egg-Nog

So, now after sharing my thoughts on celebrating Christmas, I thought it would be fun to share what role Santa plays in our lives.

When Sarah was 2 years old I deliberated about what to tell her about Santa. I had such a hard time telling her he's real because - well - he isn't! At the same time I worried that it might steal some of the excitement and joy from the season if we didn't. I wasn't sure what to do. In the end Jason and I decided to tell her the truth - that Santa's not real. To us this never meant boycotting Santa, we just simply hoped to avoid the potential heartbreak of eventually discovering the truth. It was a question of do we tell her now or later? It's been interesting to see how things have developed since then.

***As a side note: we've made sure to be very clear that this is something children need to find out from their parents - not their friends - so they know not to "break the news" to anyone.

One thing I've been happy to see is that much the way kids love princess movies and superheroes (all the while knowing they're pretend) our kids have enjoyed a lot of excitement over Santa. We go visit him every year down town where he sets himself up in front of the post office. They are more than willing to tell Santa what they would like for Christmas. Every Christmas Eve, we set out homemade chocolate chip cookies and egg-nog for Santa (did you know Santa loves egg-nog?) to eat when he fills the stockings. They know that it's really their daddy who eats and drinks the snack, and giggle with excitement each Christmas morning when they run down stairs to make sure he really came. Children have such great imaginations!

This is the second year I've ordered gifts through World Vision (Agriculture Packs, Hygiene Kit and Literacy for Children) to go in the kids stockings and I plan on making this an annual tradition. I love the fact that we can talk openly with our children about these children who are in need without wondering why Santa doesn't have it covered.

I've also noticed that knowing he's not real has allowed them to focus more on giving to the rest of the family and appreciate what's been given to them, knowing that someone who loves them picked it out with great thought and care.

Anyways, that's what we do at our house. I'd love to hear what you do at yours!!! :)

Is Christmas a pagan holiday?

Have you heard the news that Jesus wasn't born on December the 25th? And that Christmas is really just a pagan holiday? I keep hearing this come up different places and find it interesting, because for the most part I'm hearing it from people who don't celebrate the birth of Christ. The message being sent is loud and clear: there are those who feel Christ shouldn't be made a part of Christmas.

My learned response is simply to allow myself the question: Should I stop celebrating Christ's birth at Christmas because he wasn't born December 25th?

There's nothing magical about December 25th and there would be nothing magical about the day of the year Jesus was actually born on - if scholars could actually find a way to pinpoint the day and not just the time of year. It feels a little bit like someone telling me that celebrating my daughters birthday a few weeks early is not a valid time to celebrate. Last year a few of her friends weren't able to make it because they were having Christmas get-togethers with their extended families. So this year we moved the party back a few weeks and avoided that same problem. It's not about the day, it's about the life! And for Chistians celebrating Christs birth it's even more importantly about the reason he came. The focus shouldn't be put on the date itself but on the celebration; especially if being concerned about it causes us to give up entirely on the celebration!

Christmas has been celebrated in December for hundreds of years (and along with that the birth of Christ). Christmas is such a huge part of our North American culture. And although each family is different with their own unique traditions most families at least have some. These kinds of family traditions are fun, healthy and help build security in our children (by letting them know we have long term - as in life long - plans of being together as a family).

If tradition isn't enough of a reason on it's own, consider once again my daughter's early birthday party. This was the first time we'd ever planned it a few weeks early and yet all parents and children involved were very understanding. They recognized the need for being practical. In the same way, it makes a lot of sense to keep it at a time when our children have a school break for the holidays and most of us get at least some time off work.  

Winter Solstice was a pagan celebration filled with pagan traditions and superstitions. People were putting their faith in something other than Jesus Christ. (We all put our faith in something.) Somewhere along the line when Winter Solstice was such a prominent part of the culture, somebody decided it would be a great time for Christians to celebrate the birth of Christ. It became a new reason to celebrate for those who didn't "share the faith" of those celebrating winter solstice. How great is that? And now in North America, at the "darkest" time of the year we take time to celebrate the birth of Christ, give to the people we love and spend time with our families.

A few weeks ago I saw a "discussion" beneath a public figure's status update. This person was sharing their frustration towards people who use the term "Happy Holidays". I was amazed at the anger shared by so many people who agreed, insisting that Christmas "always has and always will be about Jesus". As much as I respect the individual who posted the orginal remark, I couldn't disagree more! Christmas isn't about Jesus for everyone. For some it's about getting together with family, Santa, and presents. If they don't share our faith why would we expect them to make it about Jesus at Christmas time? I think it's naive and potentially even destructive to think that way. It builds an us versus them mentality.

I don't think we need to shy away from celebrating the birth of Christ at Christmas but we do need to be careful in our attitude towards others when we do. Jesus came for everyone. He came for people of every race and every faith. I don't think we're making that clear to anyone by insisting that everyone should be celebrating Christmas like we do, getting angry at people for saying Happy Holidays or by pretending other religions don't exist.

What if we start allowing our belief - that God is love and he's filled us with his love - to transform our everyday lives including the way we celebrate Christmas and the way we think and deal with others? Maybe that will be the thing that causes people to believe that the birth of a child thousands of years ago truly is worth the celebration!

In The Eye of the Beholder

Last friday I found myself thinking about friendship. That friendship can be very delicate. It's something we have to nurture and care for if we want it to go beyond the superficial. I was also thinking about the fact that I can be selfish. Sometimes instead of thinking things through I can react emotionally and have moments of insecurity.

Insecurity is not an easy thing for me to write about, because in certain areas I used to be incredibly insecure. As I've begun to understand God's love for me and really embrace it I haven't struggled with it nearly as much. In all honesty I'd prefer to pretend it didn't exist in my life at all. But denying that it's ever there won't help me in those "moments of weakness".

Insecurity can be very deceiving. At first glance it appears to be all about other people because it causes us to worry about other people. Worry about what they think, what they want, whether or not they think we said or did the right thing. But when we take a closer look we see can that's really not the case at all.

The thing I've noticed is that when I allow insecurities to colour the way I see things, I'm actually allowing it to become all about me. Seeing through insecurity-coloured lenses I tend to over analyze things. I'm more likely to have my feelings hurt by something someone says or feel the need to defend myself when sharing ideas. I'm more likely to misinterpret someone else's motives or misread their body language. When I do that aren't I just really skirting the real issue and passing blame? Without regard for the other persons feelings aren't I blaming them for the fact that I don't feel good about myself? Without truly considering the implications aren't I really blaming their words, actions, body language or motives - when in reality they have absolutely no control over how I feel about myself?

When you consider the risk involved by allowing yourself to be motivated by insecurity the danger is huge! It jeopardizes relationships and leads to hurts and misunderstanding, when all we want in the first place is to be loved and accepted. We've all been hurt, we've all felt the sting of rejection, but we'd be foolish to allow that to stop us from getting close to people. When we put oursleves out there we are taking a risk and we could get hurt. But if you never take the risk you're hurt is not just a possibility it's a guarantee.

In these moments is when I choose to rememeber that life is bigger than catering to my own personal needs and wants. I choose to remember that I can't sit back and waiting for things to happen for me, I have to take a step towards building the relationships I want. I choose to remember that God's love is bigger than me, bigger than my insecurities. As I turn my eyes away from my own hurts and fears, away from my own flaws and inadequacies and towards his unfailing love things begin to fall into place. For me this has been one of life's most rewarding journey's.

The Common Bond

I'm a full-time stay at home mom. Sort of. But that's not really what this blog is about. That's another blog for another time.

If you've read any of my previous entries you may have noticed I don't seem to shy away from heavy subjects. It might surprise you to know how many things I hesitate to write about. When I write I want to write with understanding and compassion. I want anyone who reads my blog (even those who disagree) to feel safe listening to what I have to say. What I don't want is for them to walk away feeling assaulted or condemned. If I feel myself wanting to write with some sort of an agenda - to vent or prove a point - instead of just sharing from the heart I try and rein it in.

Being a stay at home mom is one of those topics for me. A couple of times I've wanted to dive into some of the issues involved with being a stay at home mom. I love being a stay at home mom, but it can be hard. And there is sacrifice involved. Same goes for the working mom - on both counts. So this is where I find my self putting it off and putting it off. I think of all the beautiful, amazing and committed mother's who work outside the home while also raising their family and I just can't do it. My concern has been that by exploring some of the issues I deal with in my life in writing someone may misinterpret my intentions. Being a mom is a big responsibility whether you have 1 child or 5, whether you stay at home or work. So before I delve into some of things I face being a (sort of) stay at home mom, I want to explore the things we mothers - all of us - have in common.

1) We all share a mother's heart. It's what makes us tick. We have the same long term goals in mind: To raise our children in a safe, loving and secure environment. To establish healthy boundaries for them so they know how to operate in a world that's full of other people. To raise our children to be healthy, responsible adults one day who make wise choices and go out into the world and make a positive impact, whether big or small. We want the best for our children, and we know that the long term benefits are more important than short term satisfaction, even though it sometimes breaks our hearts to try and teach them.

2) We've all wrestled with the choice. We had our first (maybe only) child and then wrestled with whether or not to go back to work or stay home - even if there may have been little choice. It may have been hard but in the end we've done what we sincerely believe is best for ourselves - and most importantly - our families.

3) We all need to feel validation. We want to be respected and appreciated as women. We want to be known for being intelligent and hard working, because we are. We may not be perfect and we may have different styles of doing things but we don't want to be looked down on. We want to be recognized as valid, contributing and essential by our families, co-workers and friends. We want people to know that what we do matters - we matter!

4) We all have to work at finding balance. We're busy and we have a lot on our plates. So we struggle sometimes to find time for our children, spouses, our families and our friends. We need to take care of ourselves in order to be able to give the way we need to. It can be hard to find time for ourselves.

5) We all have a desire to be appreciated and understood. We long to be understood by our peers and our families. We want to be valued as an individual and respected as women who are also loving mothers. We want people to see past our role as mom and get to know an appreciate us for who we really are. We long to have a voice.

6) We all have to work at remaining consistent. Discipling your children can be is hard work. Thinking through different approaches to things that arise (especially as they keep getting older) and choosing what's best is a big job. But being consistent in our approach can sometimes be even harder. You're at a friends house, you're out in public, you're sick, you're running late; there are plenty of opportunities to take the easy way out. But no matter what, we have to be intentional in our parenting and do what's right no matter how we're feeling.

7) We all have questions and concerns. Lots of them! It begins when we’re expecting and I’m pretty sure it's safe to assume it never really ends. What car seat is best? When do we start them on baby food? How do I get them to sleep through the night? How can I possibly keep my house clean? Is it really time to start school already? What if someone’s mean to them? When’s their next shot? What about "the talk"?

Last of all I think we all need support. We need to have other women to talk to and relate with. We need to know that we're not the only person who thinks and feels like we do. We need to have the freedom to express our side of things in a loving, open-minded and understanding manner. We need the freedom to connect, listen and share without feeling insecure and defensive.

We need to remember the common bond.

Pro-Life or Pro-Choice?

I've developed an aversion to calling myself pro-life

For a lot of people the term pro-life tends to evoke images of angry, judgemental sign waving people. How has a term that literally means "for life" earned for itself such negative associations?

I think for women who make the choice to have an abortion it's never an easy choice. We live in a world that seems to dictate when and how we start our families. As women we can be made to feel that our value is in getting an education, starting a career, maintaining our looks, taking care of our health, becoming financially secure, getting married, buying a house. Then once you've been married for a few years it's safe to take the next step and start a family. There are so many pressures!

All the while living in a world that scoffs at the idea of abstinence while promoting "safe sex".

It's really no wonder women find themselves making this decision.

What would happen then when you have all of these expectations for yourself and then you found yourself pregnant? Your parents, your family, your friends, your peers, all have those same expectations. You might fear not being able to provide for your child. You might fear that having this baby will mean giving up one day getting married and having a family. You might fear the thought of sacrificing your career, your time, your energy and your youth only to be looked at in judgement for being a young mother. Would that be so far fetched?

What if this young woman didn't have people around her supporting her, advocating for her and her body and her baby? What if she had people she loved, people she looked up to telling her what to do? What if she went for professional advice where they refused to acknowledge the life inside her, deliberately calling it a mass of cells or an embryo and avoiding the word baby in order to pressure her into making a decision? What if they tell her it's just a fast and simple procedure, she'll be in and out of the clinic in one day and life will get right back to normal? What if they don't tell her that it might be painful? That she's at risk of infection? That there's a risk of bleeding? That she will be at risk for suffering from depression? Anger? Insomnia? Nightmares? That she could have fertility problems later in life? That she might feel the need to turn herself off to her own emotions in order to avoid facing her own grief? That she will never forget what happened? That it may take over 6 years before she's able to deal with any of these feelings?

It really is no wonder women are making this decision!

What happens when a woman makes the decision to have an abortion and she discovers that the weight hasn't truly been lifted? Things haven't gone back to normal. Can she go to the people she loves, the ones she looks up to and tell them they were wrong? That it didn't make life just "go back to normal"? That she doesn't feel like she's looking at a clear slate, only a broken one?

Where else can she turn? Does she go to those she knows condemn abortion in the first place? Won't they judge her and shake their judgemental heads? Won't they look at her with that "I told you so" look on their faces?

How many women have felt they had "no choice" when it came to having an abortion, only to be left confused, hurting and with no one to turn to?

My heart has been breaking to find a way to speak out on this issue. We've lost focus, instead of simply allowing ourselves to love unconditionally we're pushing people away. How heartbreaking it would be for someone in my life to be holding on to this memory and not feel safe to share it with me.

My aversion to calling myself pro-life has come out of the thought of all the women who carry this heartache and feel they have no one to talk to. I believe life is sacred - all life. Including the lives of all of the women who've made this choice.

Let's not sacrifice a single life for the sake of any cause.  

Love and Marriage

When I was about 12 years old I was afraid of the very idea of marriage. I felt marriage only led to heartache so why even bother? I didn't really have many examples of healthy, thriving marriages in my life. And when I was younger unfortunately I allowed the good examples I did have to be overshadowed by other more painful ones I was aware of.

I'm now 28 years old and Jason and I are coming up to our 8 year wedding anniversary. Being married to Jason has honestly been the greatest blessing of my life.

Jason and I met almost 10 years ago. We met on Friday, September 22, 2000; I had just turned 19. I was living in St. Catharines with my family at the time and my mom made a trip to Port Perry for the weekend to visit an old family friend. My sister and I went along for the ride. When we met we had an instant connection...I was SO shy and nervous. I later discovered he went downstairs to his dad and brothers and told them about the "hot girl" sitting upstairs in the kitchen. ;) I ended up going with him and his friend Mike to watch them play music at a church service in Whitby. We had a lot of fun hanging out and talking that weekend. I remember looking out the window of my mom's car once we'd pulled away from the house and out of sight, silent tears running down my face. I was pretty devastated - I figured I'd never see him again.

After leaving a spontaneous birthday message (a few days later on Sept. 27) for Jason on his parents phone, he returned my call and got my e-mail address from me. We began e-mailing each other every day (loooong letters - we actually got to know each other quite well that way). He came to St.Catharines for a few visits and by January we were dating. I wouldn't admit to this of course prefering to call Jason my "buddy". I was still afraid. Afraid I could never actually find true happiness in life, afraid God would "make me" give him up, afraid I didn't deserve him. I thought that in order to even get to know him I had to "know" that he was the one. So silly - and quite frankly - rather embarassing to look back on!!!!

As a teenager I remember pondering the idea of finding "the one" with my girlfriends. The response I remember getting from those older and wiser than us was "you just know". And so there I was armed with the knowledge that when I met the person I was meant to be with I would "just know". And it didn't help me out one little bit! If anything it just scared me more! Maybe "just knowing" works for some, but it's definitely not the advice I'll be giving my daughters or my son as they grow older in the years to come. I already tell my girls to marry somebody like their daddy, while pointing out his many wonderful attributes. ;) I'm sure there have been people who just "knew" they'd found "the one" only to have things end in heart break.

Somehow I had this notion that God had a very specific and detailed life planned out for me and I had to find all the pieces to the puzzle and put it together entirely on my own in order to be in what people like to call "God's will". This was a very scary prospect for me...how was I possibly supposed to figure out who the one person in the whole entire world was?

As I've grown as a person and come to discover that I don't have to earn God's love my understanding of what I believe it means to be in God's will has matured. I do believe that prayer is essential and needs to be a consistent part of our lives. So should the act of trusting our futures and our lives to Him. I believe that when we trust our lives to Him, that we will begin to see God's hand at work in our lives. These are really just a natural response to understanding God's love for us and his interest in our lives. BUT, I also believe God has given us a brain for a reason and sometimes the answer is right there in front of us and we just don't know what to look for.

The advice I see myself giving my kids (what I would tell you if you were a good friend looking for advice) would be this:

1) Use Wisdom: Wisdom would say to choose someone who works hard and can keep a job. It would also be prudent to choose someone who places the same sort of value on spending time together that you do. Someone who doesn't have anger, drug, or alchohol problems. Don't choose someone who is manipulative or abusive. If you have family or friends who have serious concerns (ones they can articulate) about the relationship or the person you're with take that into consideration. Look for someone who encourages you to have healthy relationships with family and friends outside of the relationship you have with each other.

2) Attraction: It's not the only thing but it is an important thing...you HAVE to be attracted to each other! People sometimes worry about this being superficial and think they should be able to overcome a lack of attraction with time and getting to know each other. Sometimes it happens that way, but not usually. And when it does I think it happens naturally and not as a result of someone willing it to happen. Sure it can be superficial if the only connection you have with someone is physical attraction and nothing else, but there still has to be an attraction!

3) Trust: Do you trust them? Have they ever done anything to seriously break your trust? Trust is essential, and it's definitely something that develops over time.

4) Shared World Views: It is so important to find someone that you see eye to eye with on the big stuff, the things that are going to affect your day to day life choices as well as your major decisions as a couple. I don't think that you will ever find someone you agree with absolutely everything about, but it's good to be aware of what issues/beliefs are important to you and find someone who views the world the same way you do. Another major aspect of this I think is what is their take on marriage and family? Some people believe marriage is a lifelong commitment and others go into marriage seeing divorce as a back-up plan in case anything goes wrong. If you're truly at the point where you want to find someone you could have a future with be honest with yourself about where the relationship is at. If you're investing your time, energy and heart into it, make sure they're worth it!

5) Friendship: Jason is absolutely the best friend I've ever had and I feel safe telling him anything. I recognize that as women we have a need for girlfriends and being able to connect wth other women, just as men have a need to connect with other guys in their own guy way (which for my husband revolves largely around sports, music and video games). I do think it's healthy for every person (married or single) to have friendships for themself as an individual, but; marriage is a lifelong commitment, who better to spend it with than your closest friend?

6) Love: You have to be in love with each other!

7) Honesty: I think one of the most important types of honesty in a relatonship (aside from a general honesty and openness with each other) is the willingness to be able to look at yourself and be honest about what motivates you. The ability to be honest and recognize when you're wrong and when you need to work towards making changes. It's always so much easier to look at your partner and see in them what you think needs to be changed. However, I've learned the power there is in being able to own up to attitudes and behaviours of my own that need to change. When two people in a relationship are both willing to be honest with themselves about who they are and what they need to work on, it can make life a lot easier on both people.

8) Be Realistic : Recognize that you're not perfect and that you'll never find someone who's perfect either. Every healthy relatonship has a learning curve and every person has a need to mature and grow.

I'm very passionate about marriage. Marriage can be a beautiful thing. It has the potential to bring amazing joy, connection and belonging to two people. We've all seen the heartache and heartbreak it can cause, we've all seen people who've wielded the idea of marriage and used it as a means to judge and condemn those who do things differently. It must break God's heart to see that happen. If we truly believe in marriage we need to let it speak for itself, in the way we choose our spouses and in the way we live our married lives.

I came across this thought somewhere and I just love it: "Don't marry someone that you can simply imagine spending the rest of your life with...marry the person you just can't imagine spending the rest of your life without."