Last friday I found myself thinking about friendship. That friendship can be very delicate. It's something we have to nurture and care for if we want it to go beyond the superficial. I was also thinking about the fact that I can be selfish. Sometimes instead of thinking things through I can react emotionally and have moments of insecurity.
Insecurity is not an easy thing for me to write about, because in certain areas I used to be incredibly insecure. As I've begun to understand God's love for me and really embrace it I haven't struggled with it nearly as much. In all honesty I'd prefer to pretend it didn't exist in my life at all. But denying that it's ever there won't help me in those "moments of weakness".
Insecurity can be very deceiving. At first glance it appears to be all about other people because it causes us to worry about other people. Worry about what they think, what they want, whether or not they think we said or did the right thing. But when we take a closer look we see can that's really not the case at all.
The thing I've noticed is that when I allow insecurities to colour the way I see things, I'm actually allowing it to become all about me. Seeing through insecurity-coloured lenses I tend to over analyze things. I'm more likely to have my feelings hurt by something someone says or feel the need to defend myself when sharing ideas. I'm more likely to misinterpret someone else's motives or misread their body language. When I do that aren't I just really skirting the real issue and passing blame? Without regard for the other persons feelings aren't I blaming them for the fact that I don't feel good about myself? Without truly considering the implications aren't I really blaming their words, actions, body language or motives - when in reality they have absolutely no control over how I feel about myself?
When you consider the risk involved by allowing yourself to be motivated by insecurity the danger is huge! It jeopardizes relationships and leads to hurts and misunderstanding, when all we want in the first place is to be loved and accepted. We've all been hurt, we've all felt the sting of rejection, but we'd be foolish to allow that to stop us from getting close to people. When we put oursleves out there we are taking a risk and we could get hurt. But if you never take the risk you're hurt is not just a possibility it's a guarantee.
In these moments is when I choose to rememeber that life is bigger than catering to my own personal needs and wants. I choose to remember that I can't sit back and waiting for things to happen for me, I have to take a step towards building the relationships I want. I choose to remember that God's love is bigger than me, bigger than my insecurities. As I turn my eyes away from my own hurts and fears, away from my own flaws and inadequacies and towards his unfailing love things begin to fall into place. For me this has been one of life's most rewarding journey's.
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