Fade to Grey

In my early/mid teen years I was very fiery and passionate about everything. Unfortunately, I lacked the wisdom - and sometimes just plain common sense needed to balance that fire out. I felt everything was either right or wrong, everything had a clear cut answer. I wasn't comfortable with people questioning things, especially my faith. And I never questioned anything either. A couple of my closest friends used to laugh about me always wagging my finger and saying "that's so wrong!" when I would get fired up. (What can I say? It's a true friend who sees your imperfections and loves you anyway!) It's one of those things I could try to explain away, and there may have been different contributing factors but what it really came down to, was the condition of my heart. I'm glad to say that with time and by God's grace has come a little clarity, some common sense and hopefully even a little wisdom! ;)

I had a lot of misguided ideas that were connected to being so "black and white". I used to feel that being a Christian and "separating" myself meant only having Christian friends or that I had to preach to the people I knew weren't. I also had this vague sense of guilt when I couldn't bring myself to do that. I felt that Christians shouldn't drink, shouldn't swear, shouldn't smoke, shouldn't listen to secular music (with few exceptions), shouldn't shouldn't shouldn't! And especially shouldn't have sex before they were married! How could someone call themselves a Christian and do that? I wasn't even sure if people should kiss before they got married after reading "I Kissed Dating Good-Bye!"*

Focusing primarily on the "shouldn'ts" made for a very difficult time during my teenage years. I went through a stage when I was very involved with my youth group and stayed away from all the "wrong" stuff. At the end of my grade 10 year when things had gotten a little hard (by my own doing) I decided to leave my high school and finish at home doing correspondence. (I actually went to a great high school for grades 9 and 10, and there were a lot of really great people there.) I ended up going to another high school instead, also great! ;) I saw it as a fresh start (as opposed to trying to escape myself, which in hindsight I can see I was really doing) and I was happy when I made some new friends. They weren't Christians, they were really nice and I had a lot of fun with them! I found it hard though because I felt like I couldn't connect with them on certain things (it really bothered me that I didn't know any of the bands/songs they talked about) and tried to fake it. I didn't tell them that I was a Christian or went to church because I was embarrassed to admit it.

Suddenly I became disenchanted with the church and began to feel it was full of hypocrites. (Hmmmm...if you don't see the irony here you might want to go read the end of last paragraph over again! ;) ) I stopped going to youth and church and got caught up in trying to connect more deeply with my new friends. I became preoccupied with dressing well, being skinny, boys and trying to catch up on knowing "cool" music. I think I was preoccupied with these things because I wasn't being myself and had to rely on finding superficial ways to connect instead. What's sad is that I'm now convinced if I'd known how to be myself I would have been able to connect with them without having to try so hard. I wish I hadn't robbed myself of building these into long lasting friendships.

I had no idea how to be a Christian and live in the real world.

After a while I began to feel uneasy with the way I was living. Really what happened was I felt strongly convicted over living a lie, decided to trust in God for forgiveness and recommitted myself to God (which to me included going back to church). Unfortunately I also thought it meant pulling away from my new friends. It breaks my heart to think I believed that way. Over the next couple of years I experienced a lot of growth but had no idea what huge lessons life had in store for me yet.

A couple of years later Jason and I were dating. You might have read about how we met and fell in love. Well...I left out one of the best parts waiting for the right time...and this is it! When Jason and I had been dating for a year and a half we were at his apartment alone together (not a wise idea when you've decided to wait to have sex until your married), and long story short - a few weeks later - I discovered I was pregnant. So much for saving that first kiss for our wedding day! (ha!) We were both 20. It was much sooner than we expected (before we got married) and we weren't as financially prepared as we'd hoped to be (Jason was still in University) but we weren't worried about those things! We were worried about what people would think - more specifically what the Christians we knew would think! Would they question our love because we'd had sex? (After all, as we'd been taught in youth group all those years - "true love waits"!) Would people question our motives for getting married? (Thinking it was to "make things right" or because we "had to"?**)

This turned out to be one of the most incredible thing that could have ever happened to me. And Jason says the same for himself personally as well. In a very short matter of time Jason and I were forced to wrestle with these issues together. We loved God and loved each other and now we were faced with our own humanity in a way like we'd never been faced with it before. We had to decide whether God's forgiveness applied to everything or just some things? (Because we had each personally made a commitment to God and each other to wait and hadn't lived up to it.) Did it apply only to what church culture deemed "little" sins but not what they considered to be the "big ones"? Did it matter whether people misjudged what was in our hearts or was it more important what God saw there?

What I learned was: it wasn't the end of the world; it didn't matter what people thought; God's forgiveness is not just for the "little" things; God's forgiveness is not based on my ability to be good (which is fortunate because I wouldn't stand a chance!) and I never have a right to judge anyone - ever! We experienced God's love in a very real way in the lives of many different people, who simply loved, supported us and saw their own humanity reflected in our lives. It also began the long journey of putting into perspective what it truly means to "set myself apart" as a follower of Christ, which I'm still on. I began to realize a lot of the things I believed I "shouldn't" do, were limitations I'd put on myself and most of them weren't Christ-like at all! In some cases they were actually personal preferences that in my heart and mind I'd built into "laws".

The change has come more in my heart. It's come in the form of an understanding that in my sin I do have a tendency to make a law out of the way I try to honour God with my life. While there are certain non-negotiables about being a Christian, there are many things that fall under the category of "walking by the Spirit". I think I was drawn to the list of do's and don'ts because it was easier. I didn't have to rely on God in my life in order to do them. And for a long time I did a decent job of keeping them.*** But keeping all your dad's rules doesn't mean you have a good relationship with him. Especially if you're the one assuming all the rules. When my own ability to be "good" came crashing down around me I had to re-evaluate things. I began to question what really mattered and what didn't. What really pleased God and what didn't.

What I'm talking about deals with my everyday approach to life, how I make my decisions and the way I feel about my decisions once they're made. For example, I'm very passionate about our children going to public school (I'd love to write about my reasons why sometime), but my experience serves as a reminder not to allow this to be built up in my mind as the only way, or the right way. Being passionate about it (and even having good reasons for it) doesn't make it a right or wrong issue. How I educate my children should not become a non-negotiable. I can't make a "law" out of my own personal choice. I have friends who send their children to Christian schools and some who home school, and they too are passionate about there decision and have good reasons to back it up. It's not so black and white!

I still believe in teaching my children abstinence, but this choice is now balanced with the understanding that some people don't agree and that's OK. It can't get in the way of building respectful and loving relationships with people. I've learned that even with the best of intentions this can be really hard when you're in love with someone and how much you need to rely on God. The decision to abstain (or teach your children abstinence) is not one to be made thinking that it makes you pure or chaste. It's not to be made as a way of comparing ourselves to others, judging them for their differences or as a way of sheltering ourselves or our children from reality. Sometimes things happen, and we can't live up to our own expectations. This doesn't take away from a person's love for God. It doesn't mean they don't sincerely desire to give him this area of their life. I do think there are very practical and good reasons for abstinence and while it can appear to be repressive I think there's actually great freedom in it. But again, my love and respect for others needs to be greater than my beliefs on abstinence.

When it comes to music (the old should Christians listen to secular music debate), I've learned that I used to be motivated by the fear that secular music might cause me to "fall". Essentially that's like saying that secular music has some sort of magical power that can overcome the power of God in your life. Which could almost be considered superstitious. The bible says that, "each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed." James 1:14 A couple verses earlier (verse 12) it also says, "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." I think that in the same way we should never intentionally put ourselves in a position to be tempted, I also don't think we need be fearful of things and shield ourselves from them unnecessarily. Instead what I've come to believe is to simply use wisdom. (The same way I want to with everything: my conversation, my TV and movie choices, how I manage my time, my hobbies, etc.) Are the lyrics hateful, racist, or against God? Do they deal with suicide, drug use, marriage or sex in unhealthy ways? Or are they simply fun; maybe deal with real life issues or promote positive messages? (As I'm writing this it reminds me of when Paul used the idol named "the unknown god" to share Jesus with people. He obviously was familiar with the culture of his day, and didn't live in fear of it.)

As S grew and I could imagine her growing older and learning about things like drugs, drinking, sex and the pain of divorce, I felt that struggle inside me. How could I find the balance between overexposure and being overprotective? I try my best to use wisdom, with the desire to have them ready to live as Christians in the real world when it's time for them to stand on their own. I can only do so much. And in everything I do, I trust my children to God! Because being so "black and white" made it hard for me to truly love my neighbour as myself (one of those non-negotiables), the fear of my children making mistakes or being exposed to different lifestyles is being replaced by the fear that if I don't teach them to love unconditionally now they might not learn how to lovingly set themselves apart in the world later. When I look at God's unconditional love for me - for the entire human race - I feel this desperation to set myself apart with God's love - in the way I think feel and live.  I desperately want my life to speak louder than anything else. And I want the same for my children! This does not mean compromising my faith, but it does mean giving up the illusion that I am better than anyone else, giving up the lie that by following a set of rules I'm clean, because it doesn't work like that! If I live this way with that attitude, I'm like the Pharisees Jesus called frauds. "You're hopeless, you religion scholars and Pharisees! Frauds! You're like manicured grave plots, grass clipped and the flowers bright, but six feet down it's all rotting bones and worm-eaten flesh. People look at you and think you're saints, but beneath the skin you're total frauds." Matthew 23:27  

Could this be the message Jesus was trying to send us in preferring the company of prostitutes and tax collectors over the religious leaders of his time? It's true that Jesus is God but He chose their company when He was here not only to save us but also to show us how to live. We know He was "tempted as we are, yet without sin" (Hebrews 4:15) And if that's not enough, we know we have the Holy Spirit giving us the strength we need to live life and love people in a way that pleases God! Jesus got angry at the religious leader's for coming up with their own definition of what it means to be righteous (and for neglecting the weightier issues of the law - justice, mercy and faithfulness) saying, "they tie up heavy loads, hard to bear, and place them on men's shoulders, but they themselves will not lift a finger to help bear them." (Matthew 23:4) Shane Claiborne talks about this in "Irresistible Revolution": 

"I am convinced that Jesus came not simply to make bad people good, but to bring dead people to life. We can be moral but not alive; a lot of conservatives and liberals have taught me that, and I myself have been a victim of the Pharasaic yeast infection. There are many people who are morally "pure" but devoid of any life, joy or celebration. For some, this "purity" means that we do not touch anything that is "secular", and for others it means that we don't eat anything that is not "organic". But if it is not born of relationships, if it is not liberating for the oppressed and the oppressors, if it is not marked by raw passionate love, then it is the same old self-righteousness that does little more than flaunt our own purity by making the rest of the world see how dirty they are. No matter where it pops up this yeast hinders us from seeing God's image in every human being, be they a soldier or a centurion, a tax collector or a stock broker, a Zealot or an anarchist. No one is beyond redemption."

I am so grateful that I too am not beyond redemption!

So who am I now?

I'm still very fiery and passionate and love speaking my mind, though I'm learning to reserve it for the right times and in the right situations. I struggle sometimes with being uptight about things I know I shouldn't be uptight about. When I feel safe and secure I love to laugh and can be really silly. I tend to respond to things emotionally. I'm impulsive and I love getting out and doing things, especially with the people I know and love. I struggle with insecurities - especially when I'm tired. I love to talk, I love conversation - but - sometimes I need to remind myself to stop talking and really listen. I always love meeting new people. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes (when I let insecurities get in the way) it's a challenge to let go and just be myself. In these moments I can feel the temptation to withdraw simply because it's hard. Sometimes when I forget who I am, how very loved I am I start to worry about what people think and I try a little too hard. In these moments I sometimes say something dumb things or don't articulate myself very well. This is when I remind myself that I am loved unconditionally and that God's not given up on me yet - nor will he ever!



*I read this book years ago, so maybe I misunderstood it back then, but I had the very strong impression from reading the book, that I wasn't even supposed to kiss before my wedding day. I wonder now if he wrote a book presenting his own personal approach and turned it into "law", so to speak. Have any of you read this book and have a better understanding?  

**I am not a fan of these expressions. There is only One that can make anyone "right", and it's certainly not either one of us. And no one "has to" get married. Someone could get married for the right or wrong reasons REGARDLESS of whether they're expecting or not; whether they've been divorced or have never been married; whether they lived together before they got married or waited; whether they abstained from having sex before marriage or not. For some reason Christians tend to judge these as sins greater than say looking down on someone else quietly in their own heart. I believe there's a great danger in setting ourselves up in our own minds as being more righteous simply because we've managed to not make any "big" mistakes.

*** The Bible says that compared to the goodness of God my "best behaviour" is like a filthy rag, which I learned recently was referring to what we would compare in today's culture to used feminine products! YUCK!!!